The Funny Shizz question of the day is a business one. When hiring a new employee, will a man or a woman use less toilet paper and thus cost you less money?

This is an important question with the economy the way it is. Each penny counts and we want to dissect every angle of saving. This is our simple but thorough take on the question.

Men by nature, take bigger and more frequent numer 2′s due to their larger intake of food. This causes a major spike in toilet paper use through out the work day, especially after lunch. On the flip side there are elevated incidences of wiping for women through out the day because they wipe their vaginas after every urination. In our estimation these essentially cancel each other out, creating a virtual stalemate.

To add more complexity to matter, we realized that women tend cry more in the office place due to large amounts of stress, ‘really mean’ bosses, and certain days of the month. This would make it seem as if women definitely consume more TP. But upon further review, it is obvious that women are embarrassed about poo-ing at work, which causes them to use their home toilet at higher percentage rate than men, who prefer to waste as much work time as possible to drop D’s.

As you can clearly see this question does not have an obviously ‘de-deuce-able’ answer, so we decided to put this question to the real live test. At two of the offices where we work, we stealthy marked toilet paper rolls in both the men’s and women’s bathrooms. We then checked back in two days latter to find the results. What we found was irrefutable evidence and the answer to our question. Men poop way to freakin’ much.

In conclusion, business owners save money on toilet paper by hiring a women over a man. However, you then have a women on staff.  And that cost benefit analysis is up for you to figure out!

We at FunnyShizz think that Dick has a point.  It’s not like being a certain religion is a choice.  Do you think that the FunnyShizz gang was born with an uncircumcised penis only to have it cut off by some Rabbi?  Nah man, that shit came cut!  And do you think that we were born cheap as fuck, asking people to split the check evenly because we didn’t sub-out the fries for onion rings?  Fuck nah, it’s been like that since birth.  So the point is, we were fucking born Jewish and it ain’t no choice!  Just like Mr. O’Leary didn’t have the choice to not use birth control and have 18 kids, and Nawaf al-Hazmi didn’t have the choice to perform Jihad.  Mother fuckers had it in their DNA.  So, if we can’t stop people from being openly gay simply because we’re supposed to believe they were born that way, then we can’t stop people from expressing their religion. They were born that way!  Perry for Prez, 2012!

This one comes from our boys over at Portal-A. A new take on Ice Cube’s Today was a Good Day fast forwarded to 2011 in San Fran at a start up. Please enjoy and give ‘the hump day’ the love it deserves.

A little reflection on 4/20.  It’s Hitler’s Birthday and the day 2 kids in suburban Denver made it really awkward for my office to order lunch from here. It’s also the day that people toke a lot more refer than they usually do, and considering that everyone over the age of 12 blazes these days, it’s only fitting that NYC public schools are on vacation for this.  One realization this 4/20 was that our friends just aren’t as into it as they once were, as displayed by this graph.  We don’t know if it’s them or us, but we certainly hope the reason our phone isn’t blowing up isn’t because we’ve matured beyond it, because that would be too hard to take.

Breaking News: Lou Gehrig Did Not Earn His Disease

While this story may be old news by some standards, it’s boring enough that we doubt you heard of it. Plus we really don’t follow the “standards” anyway because at the Funny Shizz offices things tend to run slightly behind schedule, mostly cause we’re too busy having sex with tons of hot chicks, not reading newspapers.  It has however just come to our attention that former baseball great, Lou Gehrig, may not have actually died of Lou Gehrig’s disease.  We kid you not, it was in Time magazine for christsake.

While we don’t care much for baseball at Funny Shizz because generally it’s the most boring thing on the planet – and we know what you’re thinking, you’ve haven’t even dated a girl for 3 months, so how could you know what boring is. We have…and baseball is even more boring than having sex with the same person for 90 days – We digress, the point is even though we hate the sport, this story still flips the world on it’s head.  Lou Gehrig didn’t die of his own disease?  What?!?! That is absolutely preposterous. The thought has made us lose our entire sense of equilibrium, we don’t know up from down, left from right or Scarlett Johannson from Rosie O’Donnell. Tomorrow when we pick up Time magazine, what the hell are we going to hear next…?

The Situation has never and will never find himself in situations.

Sir Isaac Newton could sleep with his best friend’s wife without an equal and opposite reaction

Capt. Edward A. Murphy of Murphy’s Law was in fact an eternal optimist

Reggie Jackson actually played his best baseball in June

Mr. John Silver didn’t catch pre-fried fish fillets from the depths of the Atlantic ocean and put them between two processed pieces of white bread with delicious corn syrup based tartar sauce and eat them on the reg

The wrestler Mr. Perfect was in fact flawed in many ways.

Butterfly’s have absolutely nothing to do with the effects of time travel

Samuel F. B. Morse hated patterns and actually was deaf and arm-, hand- and finger-less

The “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase was actually a poor working class kid from Willcox, Arizona

Reggie Miller was completely busy and had absolutely no friggin’ time for anything, especially time to himself

Luckily for the gang, the Oscars are on tonight, so we have something even more horrifying to distract us from this reality. We just hope that this is a lesson that every man, women and child can learn from. If you happen to have a terminal illness that bears your namesake, please please please, remember to die from that particular disease.  No more Curve Balls (bad pun intended).

February is a hotbed of these situations. Culminating with Black History Month which provides an enslaught of propaganda every year which infiltrates all of our favorite mediums including the television, youtube overlays and our sex buddy, the ultra PC Upper East Side girl (“Yes, that is a terrible injustice, just terrible, but please don’t stop”). And typically this would send us into a furry of head shaking and shoulder shrugging sulking (Peyton Manning style), but this year, something was different. We didn’t have that feeling and that is because something profound struck us: this is maybe the one time when someone really should complain about something they do not deserve to have. Black people should in fact be outraged about having the month of February as their Month.

If you think about it, it’s a pretty ridiculous month to give to somebody.  We mean, if you break it down, all months are definitely not created equally.  And we think that February actually ranks dead last; 12th out of 12 on the traditional 12-month scale.  If we were to give it a rating between 1 and 12 1 being the best and 12 being the worst we’d give it a 12.  It has almost nothing going for it and is nearly sub-month by many accounts. It has no redeeming factors like the other months, like A: Chicks think February’s handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.

To prove our point, just simply take the facts, February is the coldest month of the year.  That in itself sucks deez big floppy nuts, not to mention that the cold brings a sudden drop in female promiscuity which means less boobs which means less Milk and less titty fucking. It is almost as if February overnight freezes all vagina fluids and creates frozen ponds for us all to skate on. And we all know how gay skating is.

Plus, February is the shortest month of the year, which means that it is going by the quickest or is the fastest to get done with if all of the months were racing in a sprint.  That makes sense to give to black people, but we would not want to be the short straw of the group no matter how fast that straw is, would you?

We’re not gynecologists, but from our experience with chicks, the menstrual cycle in many cases takes more than 28 days.  Do you realize what that means?  Some black dudes have to go the entire month, THEIR MONTH, without having the coveted period-head bonanza.  It’s when your girl is on her period so fucking is kind of off limits (unless she’s down with anal, but that’s another post).  She’s still horny as fuck so you find yourself getting head like every 15 minutes until the point where your wang hurts.  If there was a white history month, which there is, it’s called Janumarchaprilmayjunejulyauguseptembroctobnovembdecember, I’d certainly want to experience period-head bonanza during it.

It’s also the most unstable of all of the months and suffers from “regular mood-swings” on a nearly quad-anual basis. Some years it will be 28 days and other year it will simply refuse to continue with the norm and will move to 29. If we were choosing a month, we certainly would not pick the one without any kind of day security.

Anyway, we think it is pretty clear that African Americans have been shafted by the month they got. Why aren’t they up in arms about it? We don’t know, maybe they are just lazy. But for us, this changes everything. This year during the month of February, we are going to march to a completely new tune and start hating Black History month for a brand new reason, because frankly it’s not fair to black people, they were shafted.

Fuck You February! Long Live July!

“Write to us like mail” or just use the comments below with your comments on a generation growing up with out the ability to imagine.

It was only the other day that Funny Shizz discovered a place where the rules seem yet to be defined. As we took a piss at the urinal in the Olive Garden in Times Square (too many Long Islands!), we stood, knickers dropped, next to a nice looking, rail thin man, that could not have been a day older than 100. As we stood there letting the dragon out of his cage, the man proceeded to make a slight grunt that sort of sounded like he was bench pressing, soft though, like it wasn’t all that hard for him to do. This was abruptly followed by a hissing noise (like a kettle letting us know the water is done boiling), which was followed by a rip as if he had accidentally torn a hole in the seat of his is elastic waisted jeans.

Semi in shock, a smile arose on our face which progressed into a silent chuckle, the one where you are basically vibrating all over, which then burst into a full on laugh. We turned to the man to see if we had offended him and the man had no indication that he even saw us. How could this be? Was he just too old to hear or see us? Was he just taking it in stride? Or did he know something we didn’t? Is there an unwritten rule that states a man under the age of 30 can laugh hysterically at a man over the age of 70 when an above average fart has been made without any repercussions? Are there more rules that we don’t know about when it comes to farting at the urinal?

Our mind was spinning as so many possible scenarios started racing through our head as we walked back to finish off the never ending salad and bread sticks. It got us to thinking, what is the etiquette for farting at the urinal? This is one of the last undefined areas of our society.

• Are we old enough to just start tearing ass?
• If not when is?
• What volume level of farts are alright to let go?
• If it’s going to stink, should you just let it be?
• Can you fart more than once at the urinal in a single trip?
• Should you excuse yourself when you fart at a urinal?
• Can you laugh at your own fart at a urinal?
• Can you make exaggerated motions to match the fart while at the urinal?
• Can you fart immediately before or after being at the urinal or does it have to be only while situated at the urinal?
• Can you fart if there are kids in the bathroom?
• Can you fart if you are peeing into a toilet?
• Can you fart while you jerk off at the urinal?
• Better yet, can you jerk off at a urinal?
• Can you fart if someone is in the urinal directly next to you?
• Do you have to answer someone’s fart at a urinal with another fart?

We find ourselves in a virtual wasteland of cultural mores. The rules remain undefined and only pirate law rules the bathroom in front of the urinal. We are here to use the Funny Shizz forum to open up lines of discussion about the model that will represent the standards for farting at a urinal. We owe it all to some old geezer, so old he probably wasn’t aware he was blowing wind. We won’t call it a revolution, but rather an awakening to a time when people will be able to fart in front of the urinal with confidence, because they can be assured that they are doing the right thing. Thanks, old dude! You may not live to see the result from your flatulence, but you set the ball in motion that will forever change the world that we fart in.

And just to get your mind rolling in the right direction, we have developed a little brains teaser:

Let’s say you are holding a deuce that you don’t want drop in a gross public bathroom, so you decide that you will pee to relieve some of the pressure until you can make it home. Well, as you know, a fart is inevitably going to be waiting in the wind. We ask you this America, should you let it fly as you give that nudge to the urine leaving your body, obviously making a loud noise and a gross smell? Or should you regulate your anal passage way ever so slightly in an oscillation pattern so that only a little falls out at a time creating either a silent release or a familiar hissing noise?

Let the discussion begin…