Black Listed From a Good Month

We don’t really like to hate on shizz all that often, well we do, but we usually like to hide it. One thing that we have trouble masking our disdain for, is when people make a lot of noise complaining about something that they did not deserve and should not really even have in the first place.  Even though our country is basically built on these complaints, and even though we all do this very thing at times, we can all agree that when other people do it, you feel like punching them in their fat pregnant bellies or at the very least giving them a big ole Wet Walli, (an anal Wet Willy or Wet-Anal-Lick-&-Lift-Insertion for short).

February is a hotbed of these situations. Culminating with Black History Month which provides an enslaught of propaganda every year which infiltrates all of our favorite mediums including the television, youtube overlays and our sex buddy, the ultra PC Upper East Side girl (“Yes, that is a terrible injustice, just terrible, but please don’t stop”). And typically this would send us into a furry of head shaking and shoulder shrugging sulking (Peyton Manning style), but this year, something was different. We didn’t have that feeling and that is because something profound struck us: this is maybe the one time when someone really should complain about something they do not deserve to have. Black people should in fact be outraged about having the month of February as their Month.

If you think about it, it’s a pretty ridiculous month to give to somebody.  We mean, if you break it down, all months are definitely not created equally.  And we think that February actually ranks dead last; 12th out of 12 on the traditional 12-month scale.  If we were to give it a rating between 1 and 12 1 being the best and 12 being the worst we’d give it a 12.  It has almost nothing going for it and is nearly sub-month by many accounts. It has no redeeming factors like the other months, like A: Chicks think February’s handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.

To prove our point, just simply take the facts, February is the coldest month of the year.  That in itself sucks deez big floppy nuts, not to mention that the cold brings a sudden drop in female promiscuity which means less boobs which means less Milk and less titty fucking. It is almost as if February overnight freezes all vagina fluids and creates frozen ponds for us all to skate on. And we all know how gay skating is.

Plus, February is the shortest month of the year, which means that it is going by the quickest or is the fastest to get done with if all of the months were racing in a sprint.  That makes sense to give to black people, but we would not want to be the short straw of the group no matter how fast that straw is, would you?

We’re not gynecologists, but from our experience with chicks, the menstrual cycle in many cases takes more than 28 days.  Do you realize what that means?  Some black dudes have to go the entire month, THEIR MONTH, without having the coveted period-head bonanza.  It’s when your girl is on her period so fucking is kind of off limits (unless she’s down with anal, but that’s another post).  She’s still horny as fuck so you find yourself getting head like every 15 minutes until the point where your wang hurts.  If there was a white history month, which there is, it’s called Janumarchaprilmayjunejulyauguseptembroctobnovembdecember, I’d certainly want to experience period-head bonanza during it.

It’s also the most unstable of all of the months and suffers from “regular mood-swings” on a nearly quad-anual basis. Some years it will be 28 days and other year it will simply refuse to continue with the norm and will move to 29. If we were choosing a month, we certainly would not pick the one without any kind of day security.

Anyway, we think it is pretty clear that African Americans have been shafted by the month they got. Why aren’t they up in arms about it? We don’t know, maybe they are just lazy. But for us, this changes everything. This year during the month of February, we are going to march to a completely new tune and start hating Black History month for a brand new reason, because frankly it’s not fair to black people, they were shafted.

Fuck You February! Long Live July!