Gehrig Didn’t Earn His Disease

Breaking News: Lou Gehrig Did Not Earn His Disease

While this story may be old news by some standards, it’s boring enough that we doubt you heard of it. Plus we really don’t follow the “standards” anyway because at the Funny Shizz offices things tend to run slightly behind schedule, mostly cause we’re too busy having sex with tons of hot chicks, not reading newspapers.  It has however just come to our attention that former baseball great, Lou Gehrig, may not have actually died of Lou Gehrig’s disease.  We kid you not, it was in Time magazine for christsake.

While we don’t care much for baseball at Funny Shizz because generally it’s the most boring thing on the planet – and we know what you’re thinking, you’ve haven’t even dated a girl for 3 months, so how could you know what boring is. We have…and baseball is even more boring than having sex with the same person for 90 days – We digress, the point is even though we hate the sport, this story still flips the world on it’s head.  Lou Gehrig didn’t die of his own disease?  What?!?! That is absolutely preposterous. The thought has made us lose our entire sense of equilibrium, we don’t know up from down, left from right or Scarlett Johannson from Rosie O’Donnell. Tomorrow when we pick up Time magazine, what the hell are we going to hear next…?

The Situation has never and will never find himself in situations.

Sir Isaac Newton could sleep with his best friend’s wife without an equal and opposite reaction

Capt. Edward A. Murphy of Murphy’s Law was in fact an eternal optimist

Reggie Jackson actually played his best baseball in June

Mr. John Silver didn’t catch pre-fried fish fillets from the depths of the Atlantic ocean and put them between two processed pieces of white bread with delicious corn syrup based tartar sauce and eat them on the reg

The wrestler Mr. Perfect was in fact flawed in many ways.

Butterfly’s have absolutely nothing to do with the effects of time travel

Samuel F. B. Morse hated patterns and actually was deaf and arm-, hand- and finger-less

The “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase was actually a poor working class kid from Willcox, Arizona

Reggie Miller was completely busy and had absolutely no friggin’ time for anything, especially time to himself

Luckily for the gang, the Oscars are on tonight, so we have something even more horrifying to distract us from this reality. We just hope that this is a lesson that every man, women and child can learn from. If you happen to have a terminal illness that bears your namesake, please please please, remember to die from that particular disease.  No more Curve Balls (bad pun intended).