Queefing at the Urinal

Posted by NateCoop On January 21st, 2011 No Comments

There are rules for etiquette abound, they range the gamut of situations. We learn these social norms in a variety of ways, from what your mom told you, “Always clean your underwear if you shit yourself” to personal experiences which tell you that you will get a look if you clean out your ears with the end of a pen or that you will get a rape charge if you use bondage the first time you hook-up with a girl. From the bedroom to the boardroom, we consciously and unconsciously learn and follow these rules.

It was only the other day that Funny Shizz discovered a place where the rules seem yet to be defined. As we took a piss at the urinal in the Olive Garden in Times Square (too many Long Islands!), we stood, knickers dropped, next to a nice looking, rail thin man, that could not have been a day older than 100. As we stood there letting the dragon out of his cage, the man proceeded to make a slight grunt that sort of sounded like he was bench pressing, soft though, like it wasn’t all that hard for him to do. This was abruptly followed by a hissing noise (like a kettle letting us know the water is done boiling), which was followed by a rip as if he had accidentally torn a hole in the seat of his is elastic waisted jeans.

Semi in shock, a smile arose on our face which progressed into a silent chuckle, the one where you are basically vibrating all over, which then burst into a full on laugh. We turned to the man to see if we had offended him and the man had no indication that he even saw us. How could this be? Was he just too old to hear or see us? Was he just taking it in stride? Or did he know something we didn’t? Is there an unwritten rule that states a man under the age of 30 can laugh hysterically at a man over the age of 70 when an above average fart has been made without any repercussions? Are there more rules that we don’t know about when it comes to farting at the urinal?

Our mind was spinning as so many possible scenarios started racing through our head as we walked back to finish off the never ending salad and bread sticks. It got us to thinking, what is the etiquette for farting at the urinal? This is one of the last undefined areas of our society.

  • Are we old enough to just start tearing ass?
  • If not when is?
  • What volume level of farts are alright to let go?
  • If it’s going to stink, should you just let it be?
  • Can you fart more than once at the urinal in a single trip?
  • Should you excuse yourself when you fart at a urinal?
  • Can you laugh at your own fart at a urinal?
  • Can you make exaggerated motions to match the fart while at the urinal?
  • Can you fart immediately before or after being at the urinal or does it have to be only while situated at the urinal?
  • Can you fart if there are kids in the bathroom?
  • Can you fart if you are peeing into a toilet?
  • Can you fart while you jerk off at the urinal?
  • Better yet, can you jerk off at a urinal?
  • Can you fart if someone is in the urinal directly next to you?
  • Do you have to answer someone’s fart at a urinal with another fart?

We find ourselves in a virtual wasteland of cultural mores. The rules remain undefined and only pirate law rules the bathroom in front of the urinal. We are here to use the Funny Shizz forum to open up lines of discussion about the model that will represent the standards for farting at a urinal. We owe it all to some old geezer, so old he probably wasn’t aware he was blowing wind. We won’t call it a revolution, but rather an awakening to a time when people will be able to fart in front of the urinal with confidence, because they can be assured that they are doing the right thing. Thanks, old dude! You may not live to see the result from your flatulence, but you set the ball in motion that will forever change the world that we fart in.

And just to get your mind rolling in the right direction, we have developed a little brains teaser:

Let’s say you are holding a deuce that you don’t want drop in a gross public bathroom, so you decide that you will pee to relieve some of the pressure until you can make it home. Well, as you know, a fart is inevitably going to be waiting in the wind. We ask you this America, should you let it fly as you give that nudge to the urine leaving your body, obviously making a loud noise and a gross smell? Or should you regulate your anal passage way ever so slightly in an oscillation pattern so that only a little falls out at a time creating either a silent release or a familiar hissing noise?

Let the discussion begin…